Wednesday 1 May 2019

Introversion therapy


I wanted to run.  I could feel myself searching for any chance to flee, sussing out the exit points, wondering desperately how and when I could make my move unnoticed.  To crouch down and make a sprint for the door, get outside, get out, get out, GET OUT, heart racing – then breathe in fresh air and freedom at last.   I so needed to escape this torture, this agony.

The ‘family get-together’.

Is it just me?  Is it my fault for finding it a struggle to maintain a frozen smile in the presence of people who are neither interested in me nor interest me?  The fact that they may be my mother’s sister’s ex-husband’s cousins doesn’t  give us an automatic connection.  Even some slightly more closely related, perfectly decent and really very nice people, are not in ‘my world’.   I admit ‘my world’ is probably an odd and boring one to all but a precious few – I don’t expect others to be fascinated by my own particular, peculiar fancies.   But I can’t keep on scrabbling around in the backwaters of my mind to dig up polite questions to ask about theirs.  Every time I hear myself laughing in that oh-so-gentle way at jokes that aren’t funny and feigning interest in topics that bore me senseless,  it’s as if a little part of me dies inside.  I am having to be so insincere it hurts.

My name is C and I’m an introvert. 

I found a great article online about what introverts need to be happy and I agree wholeheartedly.  In summary, it’s these twelve things:

- Meaningful conversation (something more than small talk! Proper, stimulating conversation is so attractive)
- Plenty of time to wind down and process (many social events can be truly exhausting, I often get a 'social hangover')
- Companionable silence (yep, it's ok to be doing your own thing and not talking constantly)
- Space to dive deep into hobbies and interests (getting fully immersed: fuck, yessss!)
- A quiet space that’s all yours
- Time to think (perhaps that's why writing is so appealing)
- People who understand when you don’t want to go to that party, networking event, etc. (no guilt-tripping!)
- A deeper purpose to one’s life and work
- Permission to remain quiet (having someone point out how quiet you are in a group situation really won’t help)
- Independence.  (I love this one. It says here: “Unique and fiercely independent, introverts are more inclined to let their own inner resources guide them than follow the crowd.  They do their best work and are happiest when they have the freedom to explore ideas, spend time alone, and be self-directed and independent.")
- The simple life.
- Friends and loved ones who value you despite your quirks (to those who do, thank you).

So that's that, yes, definitely an introvert.  And sometimes it's hard in an extrovert world.

Anyway that was what happened this time last year.  (I'm writing about it now as I just had an invitation to another one and I have turned it down...)  Not that I dived undercover and bolted for the door, unfortunately that wasn’t an option for various practical reasons.  Just that I felt that horrible wave of, almost, ‘panic’, because what was going on inside me, and what I was displaying on the outside, clashed so fervently.  I took refuge in the loo a few more times than is healthy just because it gave me those vital moments of space, of peace, of oneness with myself.   How desperate is that.  

It even struck me that maybe everyone was feeling the same way and everyone was pretending not to.  Maybe everyone was actually counting down the minutes to when they could finally break free as well.  Who knows?  At times like this are we all just going along with what we perceive is the 'done thing' and yet, if we were brutally honest about it, we'd far rather be at home? Or is it just me who's out of step?

Well - back to last May -when I finally got home after two and a half hours of travelling, socially exhausted, I drank a big, big glass of wine and went out into the garden to look out for hedgehogs and snails as the sun set.  There was a little local music festival going on down the road, and every year I get to hear the bands for free as their songs drift across over the hedges and open spaces from the venue  only a few minutes’ walk away.  That night I sat outside and heard Republica's performance and it was great.

Let me tell you - 'Ready to Go’ had never sounded so good!




19 comments:

  1. It isn't just you. It really, really isn't.

    My name is M and I'm an introvert too.

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    1. Thanks, Martin, it's always good to be reassured and reminded of this. Why is it that the more introverted of us though are often made to feel out of step, when our response to things is no less valid than anyone else's. I think we need an Introverts' Uprising! Hmm, though on second thoughts... ;-)
      Anyway, but yes, time to embrace our natural selves and not feel the need to apologise. Just writing about it today has helped already.

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    2. And is it just me that's also massively intolerant of brash extraversion?

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    3. Not just you either! When people are really brash and OTT in a showy way I just think: what are they trying to compensate for?

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  2. Superbly written. I'm neither an introvert, nor an extrovert - I straddle (Oo er, missus) the two. I like my own company, and I like to go out and mingle. Tea pot and telly nights. And cavorting till dawn. I like both.

    If you haven't already seen this 56 second Seinfeld skit, you really should. J

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hJx9HDj3JU

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    1. Thanks John. You're fortunate to feel that way, good on you! I should perhaps add though that I DO love going out when I'm with the right people. It's enriching and brilliant when you feel connected... I love it, especially one-to-one or in a small group. When people 'get' you, there is little that's more rewarding. Just that there are too many other situations when that doesn't happen, these family get-together type things (in my case) being one of them!
      Great clip too, thanks.

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  3. Hello - another introvert here.
    The 12 Rules Of Introversion apply ... big time.

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    1. Hi RD. I can't tell you how gratifying it is to know there are more than a few of us around! Those 12 rules hit the nail on the head.

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  4. There's a lot of that that rings very true with me too C. Really well written post.

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    1. Thanks SA. Comforting to know that a lot rings true with you too. I'm so glad when people get it.

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  5. Amen , amen , my last two posts have touched on similar themes .
    When I was up against it with the saxophonist being in hospital a cousin gave me several lifts to visit . Ever since I have invited him to ours or out for a drink . As I felt he must not think I made use of him . Every time it feels like "dance monkey dance ".
    Neither you nor I can feel obliged to do things we do not want to for ever .I've stopped dancing and high five you for doing the same .

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    1. I loved your recent posts Angela, the timing of them was perfect too with me going through some angst about people and their expectations... I thought you might get this as well! You're so right, we can't feel obliged to do the things we don't want to forever. Most of the time we only do them for other people, not that I'm knocking the notion of being altruistic at times when that feels the right thing to do. But so much of the time we put ourselves through ridiculous levels of stress and what for? Just so no-one gets offended?!

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  6. I'm like John but if there is a spectrum I'm nearer the introvert end. I shared this post with Mrs CC who ticks most of the 12 rules boxes

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    1. I envy you and John but what is lovely is that you both also get it about those more introverted than you may be too. Interesting to know those 12 rules rings bells with Mrs CC too.

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  7. I think many of us who turn to blogging do so because we are introverts - it's a lovely space to get all those thoughts and feelings down on the page, and perhaps find like-minded souls who think the same way. I've certainly found that anyway.

    As we get older I think we get less tolerant of doing things because we ought to, or because it's the socially acceptable thing to do. Sod that. Over the years Mr WIAA and I have actively avoided living in the parts of town where the likes of us would be seen as a bit quirky and odd - The result is that we live in a part of town where just about all our neighbours are quirky and odd and we all get on famously. DD even described me as being an extrovert recently which I found bizarre but what she meant I think is that in the right company, family and close friends, we can be ourselves and not have to conform and tow the line.

    It's been a joy this last year to get to know so many young people on my college course - Because of the kind of course it is, most are inherently introverts I think, and the kind of conversations we have (mostly online sadly) are deep, meaningful but also really funny. No-one cares about the shallow things in life that so many of my middle-aged acquaintances seem obsessed by.

    All this of course means that some invitations, like the one you mention above are dreaded, whereas others are met with joy (hopefully!).

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    1. So true Alyson. Blogging is absolutely the place to feel free and be me, and in so doing I feel so lucky to have found the like-minded souls.

      Yes too re. getting older and becoming less tolerant of doing things just because everyone else thinks we should... it's ridiculous when you think about it, just going along with stuff because of that. Your immediate neighbourhood sounds great and just the right place for you and Mr WIAA. And I get how you can be an extrovert in some scenarios and an introvert in others - it really is all about the comfort zone!

      Really refreshing to read about your fellow students. I found it too when I did my most recent studies as a mature student, being artists, and made friends with some lovely people who share that unconventional approach to life. There's definitely something about creativity which so often goes hand-in-hand with introversion too.

      Oh yes, there is a massive and very distinct difference between the type of invitations that my heart sink, and the ones which make it sing! I'm sure you know which is which! :-)

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  8. I identify with this piece and many of the comments. I too am an introvert that uses a blog as my one act to get out there. I'm an introvert that married an introvert and somehow spawned a classic extrovert. We shake our heads in utter disbelief on a regular basis.

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    1. Where would we be without blogging?! So interesting about your son, though. It's as if there's a kind of formula that mixes it all up to produce the opposite when it comes to some genetic traits.

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    2. In reply to Brian's comment, I think this is a common phenomenon. My mum was a very confident, strong woman who always spoke for me and kind of controlled what I did - This I think made me quite shy and introverted when I was young. When we had our daughter I was determined the same wouldn't happen to her so we always encouraged her to do talk for herself and take charge of situations. The result was that I ended up stuck in the middle with a confident mother and an outgoing confident child - They ran rings round me for years!

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