Friday 29 December 2017

Good will to all, including the milk thief

This one really is a silly 'First World' dilemma.

Imagine you live in a rural area where there’s still, amazingly, a local milk round.  You’ve been using it for years – getting a couple of pints delivered three times a week; the milkman puts them inside your little plastic container on your doorstep early in the morning, no problem.  One day your two bottles of fresh milk get nicked.  The same thing happens a couple of weeks later.

Hmm, so what will you do if it happens again?!

1) Cancel the milkman

2) Put a note in the container that says FUCK OFF YOU THIEVING SCUMBAG  

3) Lie in wait for however long it takes to catch the offender red-handed and confront them

4) Fill up two empty milk bottles with white paint, replace the foil tops like new and put out for the taking....

5) Leave a packet of luxury biscuits alongside a note that reads, “Sorry you’re so desperate that you need to steal milk - have these on us and we’ll say no more about it”

6) Do nothing, if it happens again just let it go

Or something else...?

I'm on 6 at the moment (having merely fantasised about 4). The milk thief could be anyone, couldn't it? Someone struggling to get by on meagre benefits, unable to cope with their rent and bills, stooping that low. It's not like they stole our car.  Then again they might just be a selfish arsehole.  Who knows?

But at least it gives me a tenuous excuse to post a favourite song.  This was actually the track that first made me take notice of Saint Etienne some years ago, with huge thanks to a friend who was way ahead of me there; I was a bit late to the party.  But I’ve never looked back.


  1. I suspect that there must be a big underground all-nighter party scene that no-ones told you about and the revellers are getting their refreshment on the way home in the small hours.....
    I remember getting my packed lunch regularly nicked from my desk at school and taking extreme measures (I'll say no more) with the fillings to catch the offender - I feel guilty now since I suspect they weren't greedy just hungry and not well looked after. Best to be properly English and go for option 6!
    Top track too!

    1. Aha - then perhaps I could trade the milk in for an invitation!
      As for your packed lunch, I'm pretty sure I would have enjoyed being creatively (!) vengeful too at that age. I'm imagining all sorts now with the fillings!
      This track really is one of my favourites, and particularly so because it kickstarted some long-lasting Saint Etienne love, thanks to knowing someone with such excellent taste. I do like it when that happens!

  2. I won't describe the measures I went to to defeat a milk thief in my undergraduate Hall of residence days...

    1. Oh but of course I want to know now!
      Maybe I should set up a Confessions Box. With both you and Bel Mondo's hinting at taking certain measures, there must be more out there....

    2. I may have dosed a pint with salt once. Oh, and vegetable oil...

    3. Don't go giving me any ideas!

  3. I'm amazed you still have a milkman around your parts - That being said a real shame his early start is to no avail, as still no gold tops with breakfast. This did remind me of the many arguments in stared flats over milk which resulted in 6 bottles all lined up with everyone's name emblazoned in black marker - Not much different in the world of work come to think of it. What is it with human beings and coveting another man's milk!!

    Glad it made you think of the song though.

    1. It's so nice having a milkman! A local dairy so feels good to support it too and not give all our money to Tesco. He comes in all weathers and gives us a Christmas card, does bread and stuff too if you need it in an emergency - it's all good.
      Have a feeling the milk nicker might be a certain reprobate neighbour - having been woken up in the middle of the night by hershouting and being carried off in a police van, then arrested again since, and now her broken window, it does seem her home and her life in general must be pretty troubled. If it is her, then a part of me doesn't begrudge her a free pint of milk. But she could have left the other one!
      Anyway... time will tell, maybe.
      Humans, eh?!


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