Thursday, 5 April 2018

The haunted bathroom

If I were ever to try writing a ghost story, I’d want to base it on experience.  I don’t have much, but I’ll tell you this…

It’s about our bathroom, and some odd little things that are hard to explain.  It’s downstairs, next to the kitchen.  That’s odd, for a start.  But no, I mean the noises.   A little while back I went in there to wash before bed and heard funny sounds above me in the single-storey roof.   Maybe it was a cat or a rat or a bat - a fat bat - but whatever it was I was so unnerved I nearly did something that rhymed with it.  At least I would’ve been in the right place.   Still, I put the thoughts of a headless monk knocking on the pantiles above me to one side and carried on brushing my teeth.

Nothing happened for a few weeks.  And then the other evening there was another strange occurrence.  The toilet flushed on its own.  That’s weird, I thought - I hadn’t pressed the little button thing on the cistern by accident, had I?  No - but it was definitely flushing.  “I think we’ve got a ghost in the bathroom,” I said to Mr SDS, “and they’ve just used the loo!” 

It hasn’t happened since.  But, oh, something else has.  Two nights ago, shortly before midnight,  I was just trying to put some moisturiser on my face without my glasses on (always a bit hit and miss) when, well, how can I put this politely?  I heard a very long drawn-out, squeaky bottom burp.  A real ripping raspberry of rectal turbulence.  A proper classic blow-off.  Right beside me.  I mean, so close to me that I froze right there in the middle of its duration to check that it wasn’t actually me.  It definitely wasn’t.  Perhaps it was the soles of my slippers on the floor?  I slid them about a bit and tried really hard to make them mimic the anal acoustics I’d just heard but nothing, my slippers were silent.

“Now it’s farting!” I said to Mr SDS when I went upstairs.  He was already looking at me strangely due to the blobs of white cream in my hairline and nostrils.  Once I’d heard that spectral trouser trumpet right next to me I'd decided not stay in the bathroom any longer than I had to, and I definitely wasn’t going to look in the mirror for fear of what might look back at me.  Sod the moisturiser.  Even without glasses, a hazy headless monk was too much to apprehend.

It’s not exactly M R James but that’s my ghost story and it's true.  Have you ever heard of such a thing?  A farting phantom flusher?!  Whatever next - will I find the end of the toilet paper folded into one of those pleats like they do in hotels?   Who knows?  I’ll keep you posted if it returns...

In the meantime, here's some stonking '60s garage from an appropriately named band to blow the ghostly cobwebs away:


The Haunted: 1 2 5

21 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. Now without (I hope) crucial grammatical error:

      Ah, the old flatulent ghost phenomenon! Actually, never heard of such a thing but am willing to believe: I'm sure ghosts get up to all sorts. Funnily enough, just prior to reading this post, I had been talking to one of my daughters about ghostly apparitions - she is convinced she has seen and felt them around our house and my better half (her mum), says the same thing. Our stairs are very haunted (apparently). I must say that our cats do spent a great deal of time looking at things that don't appear to be there! Never seen a thing myself but I keep an open mind. Keep us updated on this spectral activity. Spookily, our bathroom is also downstairs, next to the kitchen! Oooooohhhhhh....it's a funny old world!! And terribly inconvenient! ;)

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    2. Ooh that is weird that you were just talking about it. There's a part of me that would like to think there is such a thing and it might explain a few odd occurrences - and then there's the other part of me that really doesn't want to think someone/something might be watching me on the toilet....
      I've a friend who's had a few ghostly experiences and wasn't fazed by them at all, funnily enough that included one on her stairs too and her young son used to chat to "the nice lady" there. I suppose we shall never know but I reckon if we can't prove it we can't disprove it either.
      Yes these old houses with their downstairs bathrooms, pain in the apt proverbial if you ever need to go in the middle of the night. Perhaps we should get commodes!

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  2. The Fat Bats. Great name for a band.

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    1. Haha, yes. Or how about the Fat Bat Band? Didn't they do the Spanish Hustle?

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  3. Being a fan of M.R. James and many other English ghost story writers, I must say I thoroughly enjoyed this hilarious, laugh-out-loud tale.

    The cheek of some ghosts!!

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    1. Thanks! I thought you might like M R James. He used to live in this part of the country too so a lot of his writing is very evocative of the area. It can be a bit spooky around here - so many ancient buildings and tales of witchcraft. I get the feeling my bathroom ghost is going to be pretty benign, though...imagine if they *hadn't* flushed the loo!

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  4. Ghosts in the bathroom... evokes The Shining!

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    1. Aargh, don't! I'm trying to concentrate on the thought of it being toilet-trained at the very least.

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    2. I definitely won't send you this link then... https://youtu.be/pZ6hgh8kd0A

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    3. Oh, but it starts off so well ;-)

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  5. An opportunity to post There's a Ghost in my House lost!

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    1. I know.... which version though?!

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    2. Yep - I missed a trick there, didn't I!

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  6. A bit unnerving indeed but sounds as if it's a benevolent ghost just messing around with you. So much opportunity for word play here and you grabbed it with both hands - Fat bats, trouser trumpets and farting, phantom flushers. Love it!

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    1. Thanks Alyson - no more strangeness lately but it reminded me that only a week or so after we moved in here I heard a strange sound in the bedroom which I can only describe as being like someone pouring water into a jug. Couldn't explain it all (too close for the plumbing) and sort of vaguely assumed we might have a benevolent ghost back then as it's an old house. Now I'm thinking perhaps it's a ghost with a toilet fixation and was actually having a pee ;-)
      I couldn't miss an opportunity for some flowery vocabulary, indeed, too much temptation to be playful with it, who could resist?!

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  7. Ah, this brings back many memories of our own haunting at the radio station... which I will get on to eventually. Once I would have said to you "it's just your imagination", but now... well, I'd keep an open mind (and probably an open window if your ghost really is the flatulent type).

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    1. Can't wait to read about your radio station ghost. Ours has been quiet lately, but we do have seem to have a bit of a dodgy loo at the moment. I suspect there is a rather more boring explanation...

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  8. 'Anal Acoustics" too funny.... never heard of a flatulent ghost before, I though they got all the wind out in the mortuary before they start haunting proper :o)

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    1. Very good :-)
      I'm rather disappointed to have to report that since we had to get our drain unblocked not that long after I wrote this, there have been no more ghostly sounds. (That doesn't necessarily rule out anal acoustics...............)

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