Tuesday, 14 May 2013

Kiss this

As he stood in our doorway with the large bag of rare records that he had just bought from us, he reached out for my fingers, bent forward as he held my hand to his mouth and kissed it. “Lovely to have met you”, he said.

We said our goodbyes and closed the door, and as we watched him through the window getting into his car I turned to Mr SDS and said, “I don’t trust him.”  It was the hand-kissing that did it.

I was right not to trust him.  The (substantial) cheque he’d given us in exchange for our vinyl valuables bounced.  (Yes, I know, we should have insisted on cash…)  Numerous follow-up phone calls to both his home and his workplace number revealed the horrible truth that this particularly unsavoury individual had clearly never had any intention of paying.  He had ripped off his work colleagues too, sold his flat and moved.  Obviously keen to avoid answering the door to Joe Hardnutt from Beat The Living Daylights Debt Collection Agency he’d relocated to another continent and word had it that he was living in, of all places, Kansas.  (One can only hope he tried pulling a similar stunt out there…)

If only he had kissed my hand before he wrote out that cheque, our misery at being duped could have been avoided, for it was that sycophantically sleazy, albeit subtle, gesture that gave away his dubious character.  In my experience (to borrow from Samuel Johnson’s quote about patriotism) hand-kissing is the last refuge of a sleazebag.  In every instance that I’ve had my mitt kissed by a stranger there has been something unsettling about it, and about them.  Am I right?  My lovely female readers,  I’m sure, will know just what I mean and agree.  And my lovely male readers, I’m certain, would never dream of doing such a thing.

Picture source unknown
(but with thanks to the friend who sent it to me!)


  1. Oh, that's terrible - the bastard will reap what he sows in the form of bad kharma (ma-a-an) I hope.

  2. He's living in Kansas...he's paying for what he did. Fine punishment indeed.

    I don't mind having my hand kissed but, when they go for the feet...it's a bit much. I indulge them of course but....

  3. As I got to the point of the hand kissing in the post I almost shivered - like you say something just not right about it.

    I think if he pulls similar stunts in Kansas he'll wake up in the middle of tornado with red shoes on!

  4. Told you that we had met before....

    On a serious note, us record-dealers are rather like The Freemasons, but without secret handshakes or slimy hand-kisses. Whether it's Canvey or Kansas, this douche-bag can be found, especially trying to sell what we SDS junkies know will be some obscure gems of yours. Happy to help.....

  5. Well I can certainly say that if he'd kissed my hand I'd have been VERY suspicious! Now, if he'd have kissed Mrs. Bear's hand I would have thought, like you, what a total sleaze bag. Yes, hand kissing is pretty vile unless you feel compelled to kiss the hand of your religious master or guru but I'd never follow someone who'd even want their hand sloshed all over. I'm hoping that your assailant will try it on in Kansas to only find a gun barrel up his backside. I feel your pain with the loss of dosh and record collection. Maybe we should all go and find him?

  6. Hand-kissing is a gesture indicating courtesy, politeness, respect, admiration or even devotion by a man towards a woman, by a vassal towards their master or a child towards their parent or grandparent. Well thats what it says in Wikipedia.
    A guy who steals records is an asshole, thats what OldPapedia says!

  7. Ah, thanks all! (See, I said you were lovely...apologies for not replying individually tonight.) I could go and saddle up the white chargers now, if you like ;-)

    But... it was a good few years ago and we have let it go (even though it probably doesn't sound like it here, I know!) I'll stay content in the thought that he may get his come-uppance in other ways, whilst we learned a valuable lesson.

    Meanwhile I continue to distrust hand-kissers and at least this story gave me something to justify my feelings about that particularly icky gesture!

  8. I spose hand licking is one worse?

    I'll get my coat.

    1. Eww! Shut the door on your way out...

      Foot licking, though...? No, let's not go there ;-)

  9. Two hideous crimes in one there. Bastard.


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