Wednesday 4 December 2019

Identity?

The time has come for some personal reinvention!

We all feel the need for a little reinvention in our lives at one time or another, don’t you think? – whether it’s a job, a look, a home, a state of mind - whatever.  Perhaps it all seems okay and you’re just coasting along but meanwhile, in the background, something is building up.  It starts as a niggling little voice and slowly increases in volume until it becomes a roar that you can’t ignore – a feeling of dissatisfaction or boredom, or both, or more - until an internal switch flicks and you know you just have to make that change.

Flick! 

A lightbulb moment?  An epiphany?  

If you’ll excuse my self-indulgence, I want to write about it here because the act of expressing it helps cement my conviction (plus, as has often been said, there’s an element to blogging which can be like keeping a diary, charting particular moments in our lives).

For me, it's a work thing.  The reason I need a change is that somehow I’ve ended up in a place so far away from where I originally intended to be that I can no longer ignore the way it's making me feel.  It sort of happened without me realising.  I think of it as being like a musician who agrees once to play Agadoo at a wedding party, but then next thing you know every booking they get is for a wedding party and every song request is for Agadoo.  Then it’s not only Agadoo but, "Oh can you play The Birdie Song too please?"   Soon they’re so busy playing Agadoo and The Birdie Song at wedding parties that it's all they become known for, and they lose all sight of their original plan to release an album of Cramps covers on the accordion.

The other day I was describing a recent book I'd worked on to a friend who's known me for decades and she said, “Oh no, that's just not you!”   That’s exactly it – I can do it, I can give the publisher what they want and they’re happy – but it just isn’t meThat's okay and probably inevitable now and then, you have to stay realistic and earn a living, but so much of the work I create is not to my taste even as a viewer any more;  I frequently look at what I’ve illustrated with disdain or embarrassment.  Not quite everything, but a significant proportion - and I know that proportion is only going to keep getting bigger if I carry on along this route because each time I add to it, it reinforces that identity, and so on and so on until that's all there will be and I can't turn back.

I love being an illustrator, but I don't love enough of the things I illustrate!

That’s not how it’s meant to be, is it - not when you put all your energy into something, get stressed by deadlines and have no time left for anything else?  Surely not.  But the good thing is: this level of dissatisfaction is the motivation I need to make some changes.  Even just making a conscious decision and telling my agents about my plan has me all perky again.  It's nice to feel excited once more, instead of jaded.  I think maybe there are a few reading this who have had similar experiences in your own areas of life and will understand what I mean...  you have to listen to your inner voice.

I know there are a lot of headaches and frustrations ahead, some dedicated time off with no income (I've been saving up!), a ton of hard work plus one massive learning curve to climb - but the moment has arrived to go back to basics, develop a new creative approach and to teach myself to work digitally too.  I feel nervous, exhilarated and readier than I've ever been to give it a try.

And if all else fails

Agadoo doo doo push pineapple shake the tree...


No, an injection of X-Ray Spex instead!

22 comments:

  1. As a writer who spent 15 years making a living writing radio ads, I sympathise. Of course, I'm not making any money from writing at all since I packed that in (or it packed me in) and I hate my new job in many ways even more than the old one, but...

    I'm sorry, I'm not sure what point I was trying to make there. Other than I sympathise and admire you for your decision. Good luck.

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    1. Thanks Rol - I wish you didn't feel like that about your current job; I know from what you've said before that you really put the hours and effort in too. In an ideal world your huge talent for writing should be earning you a living and giving you pleasure, but I know that writing is a particularly hard field to be in.
      For me, well, I never want to give up illustrating children's books, and I'd rather be at least where I am now than not doing it at all - so that's a big plus, I know I'm really lucky. I've just ended up going in the wrong direction within it for a few years now and feel I owe it to myself to try a new one. Nothing ventured, nothing gained....

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  2. If you didn't feel nervous, exhilarated and ready then I'd be worried. Fortune favours the brave, and all that. Or, JFDI!

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    1. Thanks John.... yes! I'm FDI! There are other practical reasons too why I need to update some of my methods, so it feels like everything is just pointing to the need for change.

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  3. I could feel myself tensing up just a little bit while reading, but I don't know why because there is nothing worse than going through the motions, especially in a creative field. It's not supposed to be like that. You know you're making the right move. No need to even wish you luck, but I will anyway. Good luck.

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    1. Thanks Brian, yes when it feels like you're just going through the motions you start to question what it's all about. I'd really regret it if I didn't try to make some changes, even though it carries a few risks. Worse case scenario at least is that I still have some 'old style' work booked in to fall back on, so the time is right.

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  4. Do it C. Make the change.

    Also I for one am interested in hearing an album of Cramps covers on the accordion.

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    1. Thanks SA - I'm onto it - making changes, that is, not the Cramps album (but you never know...)

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  5. Good for you as it is tough spending all that time and effort over work you don't really enjoy and dare I say, feel a tad embarrassed about (although I'm sure it is excellent).

    As you know I made a similar big decision a couple of years ago but because it coincided with my mum's illness I was kind of thwarted in my plans, and have never got back on track - Different scenario with you however so all the very best with it. You mention learning to work digitally which seems to be the way to go nowadays and Mr WIAA feels he has been replaced by machines nowadays but always a place for highly skilled artists/craftsmen who have decades of experience, so please stay as true to yourself as possible and all will work out fine. New beginnings for a new decade (if our politicians don't cock everything up any more than they have already!).

    Great Poly Styrene clip by the way and a great song. Remember well watching them on telly back in 1978.

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    1. Thanks Alyson - I thought of you too as I was writing this after your big decision. I know things haven't worked out as you planned right now but at the same time you knew you couldn't stay as you were, something had to change and you made the move, it was the right thing. At least now there's every chance you can still get back to a better scenario at some point having removed that particular barrier, you just knew inside that you couldn't carry on with the job the way it had become. I have every faith that you will get back on track.

      As for digital - indeed things are changing! - I've resisted it until this moment but now I'm honestly excited about the positive opportunities. Fewer and fewer publishers are accepting original artwork (even if it starts off as an original, it needs to be submitted as a digital file), they're not scanning themselves any more either so I'm having to shell out hundreds of £££s to get it done professionally, and I really lose out financially. Plus I can't correct mistakes or change things easily, and publishers expect that more now because so many illustrators will just make amendments in Photoshop with the minimum of stress... I'm out of step. All in all, I need to get with the programme (literally!)

      However, regardless of that is this strong desire to reinvent myself artistically so that my work goes in a new direction that is, as you say, as true to myself as possible. I can't wait... but I've so much to learn!

      And sorry I've waffled on there!

      Glad you love that XRay-Spex clip too. Poly was certainly true to herself and a great inspiration.

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    2. You didn't waffle on, just mighty impressed by your enthusiasm. As for getting with the "programme" it makes me sad that machines have pretty much replaced humans in many professions, but they have, so we do indeed need to embrace it or be left out in the cold.

      You're going to be busy in 2020 - Will have to take a leaf out of your book as just had too many false starts of late. (And in your dark moments you will wish you hadn't got rid of the golden goose, as I know I have, but in your heart of hearts you will know it was the right thing to do). Onward and upward.

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    3. Thanks - yes do feel enthusiastic - I hope it's catching and you too will find chance to try and make things happen in 2020 - fingers crossed.

      I'm lucky in that I don't have to give up on the "old" identity if the new one doesn't take off (and actually have a job booked in for next year which is part of a series, so I'll have to revert to it for that one). But my desire not to have to in the long-term is great motivation!

      Onward and upward as you say (hopefully)... we have to set ourselves some goals at least, anyway.

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  6. Good luck with your creative reinvention, you've taken the first step by recognizing you want a change.

    Nice introduction to X-Ray Spex. Certainly an injection of energy. "Germfree Adolescents". What an album name! That group is going on the explore list.

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    1. Cheers Chris. So pleased to be able to introduce you to X-Ray Spex too! They were very idiosyncratic. Will be very interested to know what you think of the rest of their material. Their first single 'Oh Bondage, Up Yours!' is something of a punk classic now, and ticked all the right boxes for the 14-year old me!

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    2. Listening to punk now is totally different to when it was a 'thing'. But I think the enthusiasm and spirit is intact in some of the best stuff from the era.

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    3. Hi Chris, yes I can understand how it must sound to you today. I felt similarly about hearing some of the music from the '60s for the first time in the '80s - the moment had passed, as it were, but elements remained intact.

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  7. Go for it!
    20 years ago it was the going through the motions feeling at work that made my mind up it was time time to change jobs. It was a struggle for a few months but worked out OK. Then the same feelings kicked in a year or so ago and that made my mind up it was time to retire. I could have tried to thrust myself into some new project or other at work, or skill, but at 60+ I decided it was a bit late for that. Retirement was no doubt an easier decision to make than yours but still a complete change and a little scary. I haven't regretted it yet, it's easy "doing nothing" at the moment but I think the time will soon come when I will have some more mini decisions to make about how I can more usefully fill some of my time.

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    1. Thanks Darcy - I think we must instinctively know when we should act on the things that inner voice is telling us. It sounds as if you made all the right decisions. Mine isn't too drastic in the scheme of things but I guess all conscious changes have an element of risk!
      Wishing you all the best in finding new things to do in your retirement - just think of all those things you ever wanted to do but couldn't previously find time for - scuba diving, trainspotting, snail racing? ;-)

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  8. Probably most people feel a bit like that. They do things to put food on the table rather than what they would like to do. Hi bye the way C, long time no talk to. Go for it whatever it takes you. Be true to yourself. Gets my vote.

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    1. Hi Old Pa, lovely to see you again and hope all is well. Thanks for the encouragement and wise words. I know too that I'm lucky in that it's not the profession itself, just the type of commissions I've been getting in recent years that I really want to change, so it does feel as if it's something tangible to work towards.

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  9. This is inspirational stuff, C. Do what makes you happy. I think the world would be a better place if we all followed that adage (*remembers the election result and maybe changes his mind*)

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    1. Thanks Jez, yes - but don't even mention the fucking *l*ction...

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