Friday 1 June 2018

Growing up fast

I mentioned in my last post how "it felt like I’d grown up fast" the night I first went to a gig without my friends.   I also mentioned that I had quite liberal parents, who had no issues with me seeing bands and getting into punk in my early teens.  I suspect they also knew that the smell of Polo mints on my breath whenever they picked me up from a night out was only there to hide the whiff of cigarettes and alcohol, but they never said anything.  So it was all pretty good, back in ’78 and ’79, and I have such fond, vivid memories of those exciting and undoubtedly pivotal years. 

Things changed just a couple of years later when my parents’ marriage finally fell apart.

It had been on its last legs for a long while, to be honest.  I’ve made no secret of it: my mum suffered from clinical depression throughout her adult life and had had some pretty horrendous episodes.  At the same time, she and my dad were becoming increasingly incompatible; the two things were somewhat intertwined.  To cut a long story short, my father left home when I was 17, after a weird and painful break-up.  He's never shown any interest in me or my life in all the years since, which feels more shitty now in retrospect than it did at the start,  but that's another story.  Going back to when they split, I witnessed a lot of shouting, tears, and even some broken crockery.  Oh and mum playing David Bowie’s ‘Aladdin Sane’ album in the early hours (I couldn’t fault her taste there – a great album - but I can’t disassociate it from that period!)

Anyway, when my father finally left, my older sister had just moved out too, and so there was a really odd and uncomfortable period in my life when it was just me and my mum living at home, and my mum was suffering from depression.  She'd been hospitalised for it before so I was familiar with the scenario.  Sometimes she would spend days on end in bed, and I’d have to go and get her prescriptions and take care of her, which - being a snotty, self-obsessed teenager - I resented.  It's kind of what makes you resilient, though - natural teenage selfishness!   At other times she’d be up and about but behaving strangely – her actions could be a bit over-the-top or misjudged.   Not that it was always easy then for me to discern between what was strange and what was normal, because she was my mother – she was all I knew.  However, I realise that this is the reason why I sometimes still feel a certain discomfort if life around me gets a bit chaotic, and why I also feel the need to steer clear of anyone or any situation which might be toxic in some way. Do you know what I mean?  Some people seem to get off on all that in a weird way, but there are so many toxic people - toxic relationships - that can bleed into your psyche if you let them.   I just can’t go there, I need to protect myself .  One whiff of toxicity (it’s just like that smell of Polo mints masking cigarettes and alcohol) and I’m out.

But at the same time, something very positive came out of it, because I learned that I simply couldn’t depend on either parent at that time and thus, ultimately, I only have myself.  It sounds harsh but it was as if there was no role model I could really lean on mentally because one was absent and the other could be a bit doolally.   It felt as if there was no big, strong, 100% reliable, parent figure who could make everything alright.  Whilst leaving me feeling a little cast adrift -  unsafe, even - it also quickly instilled in me a very deep and strong sense of self-reliance, self-sufficiency.   I'm a big believer in the notion that we all need to take responsibility for ourselves and our lives, so much so that it irks me when other people don't.   I read somewhere recently that this often happens when the parents of teenagers divorce (which may be a different effect to that on those who are very young); their children quickly learn to develop their independence.

People have far worse situations to deal with when growing up so I've nothing to complain about, but the way our experiences shape us is something that fascinates me and I'm interested in the psychology of why we develop the way we do, and where some of our attitudes and characteristics come from.  I'm pretty sure the way I feel about self-reliance is as a result of my odd home life in those teenage years, and it developed in me an innate determination to achieve my personal goals and not to expect nor depend on help. Maybe it’s no bad thing sometimes to have to grow up a little fast.

A lighter post to follow next time!

21 comments:

  1. Not much I can say to all of that that doesn't come across as trite. Good words C.

    I think sometimes we can only piece together why we are what we are like much later on, when it becomes clear.

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    1. Thanks - wasn't sure about writing stuff like this but sometimes just need to put things down - I very much agree about piecing it together later on. A few things going on lately have really highlighted this theory, it all makes sense now from my older perspective!

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  2. You appear to have come out of all that remarkably well
    Wonderfully written

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    1. Ah thanks CC, I don't think these things have to affect one negatively, quite the opposite at times.

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  3. I think your analysis is pretty sound. I clung onto my parents and relied on them way into my adult life... in doing so, I resisted independence and, ultimately (though I couldn't see it at the time) suffered as a consequence.

    Another excellent post, C.

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    1. Thanks Rol - and sorry to hear your you suffered as a consequence of resisting independence whilst growing up - I can understand what you mean, but we never know these things at the time. We sort of need a few hard knocks!

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  4. Wonderfully written post, C. Ever wish you could travel back, tell your younger self what you know now?

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    1. Thank you - great question. Not sure I would want to. I think feeling our way through difficulties and the pain of being naive and ignorant about so much is all part of the journey to being a wiser adult.... (oooh!)

      Do you?

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    2. Sometimes, yes. But a change in the past, whilst making some things better, would also put all the good bits at risk too. Butterfly effect, and all that...

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    3. Absolutely agree. Some "What if"s are all very well for a little of wistful fantasy, but best not dwelled on!

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    4. Also, what if's are a rabbit hole which can swallow you whole, I have found.

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  5. Not a sad post, well, of course it is, but warts and all I find it more of an inspirational one. These last two posts have made quite the bookends. All the best to you.

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    1. Ah thank you Brian! Glad to have this blogging outlet for a few life stories - good, bad and ugly!

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  6. That can't have been easy to write. There can be no no adequate response (sincere, trite, flippant or any other) that can fully address all the issues raised here. The very fact that you have dealt/are dealing/will continue to deal with this is testament to your bravery and your courage. And not least your soul.

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    1. Oh thanks so much John. I must admit I wrote it late at night after half a bottle of wine, following a particular update to something going on in connection with my father which prompted some mixed emotions - ones that I knew I needed to process. Writing is good therapy, isn't it?
      I don't know about brave (though lovely of you to say it)... just need to stay grounded. So far so good :-)

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  7. A lot of heavy posts around here of late but cathartic to write I think, so hope you found that too. Sounds as if things were tough but you obviously found a way of dealing with them that worked for you. I have mentioned before that I think my parents were the polar opposite to yours at that time but ironically it led to me also becoming independent at a young age as I just couldn't handle being suffocated any longer and had to get out of my small village. Still not sure whether our experiences shape us or whether our unique personalities lead us into making decisions that take us down a certain path - For someone much cleverer than I to answer, but as I've mentioned recently somewhere else, I personally think we end up exactly where we're supposed to be by this stage in life because of the kind of decisions we've made along the way - Sometimes there's a circuitous route but probably a similar ending.


    A hard post to write no doubt but well done for doing it, and well done you for being the person you have turned into.

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    1. Thanks, really interesting that you had the opposite experience but developed your independence because of that as opposed to in spite of it - so yes there must be something about personality and not just experience; other people might have taken different routes in either of our circumstances I guess. I know what you mean about why we end up where we do, at every junction on the life map, the road you choose is quite likely to lead to more of the same - i.e. destructive choices tend to lead to more destructive choices and positives to positives, give or take of course those unexpected bumps in the road that throw you off course - oh it's all metaphors today!

      Thank you kindly for the lovely words, it isn't to say I don't have an "issue" or two, but I think I recognise what they are and why!

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  8. I can only echo the words contained in the previous comments, particularly John's. Some of these must be difficult memories to revisit, yet I sense little bitterness or regret. Your determination to forge positives from situations that might otherwise overcome others is to your immense credit.
    Personally, I don't think that my own extended adolescence truly came to an end until my Mum died in 2010. I've certainly felt like an altogether more responsible and likeable individual since then and am frankly appalled when I look back on some aspects of my behaviour as a human being up until that point.

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    1. Thanks v much TS - it was just a train of thought as to why I feel so strongly the way I do about needing to depend on myself and what drives me, and it all seems to hark back to that time, that feeling. As with Alyson's comment, a lot might depend on personality, but at the same time I think many teenagers can develop that sense of self-reliance if they feel they have to, you're very resilient at that age and that youthful selfishness is good protection!

      As for being appalled at some aspects of behaviour, I can't imagine anything is really that bad or that unusual; think it all simply just goes with the territory of being young. Unless you murdered someone, of course ;-)

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    2. Hi C

      first read of your esteemed blog for a while. It is still an undiluted pleasure for me.
      Your attitude to toxic relationships strikes a note with me as I have acted along the same lines for the whole of my life though I am less certain in my case that it has been beneficial to my development as a resilient adult.

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    3. Hi Ben, and many thanks for coming here and your very kind comment about it too, much appreciated.
      Interesting that you also get that thing about toxic relationships. I'm sure our resilience as adults must be affected by loads of other outside factors too, and luck is one of them. Who knows what would have transpired if other things hadn't fallen into place for me when they did, maybe the resilience I learned as a teenager would have been more challenged. But I just know that toxic relationships fill me with such a sense of dread and something I can only describe as feeling "unsafe" that I can't bear to be too near to them. Having said that, I might not be the best judge!

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