...Well I might take a boat, or I'll take a plane
Might hitchhike, or jump a railroad train
Your kind of lovin' drives a man insane
So look for me walkin' just any ol' way...
Would these boots be imbued with magic powers that would remove me from my current life of virtual hermitude and transport me to new, exciting, vibrant places? Well, not exactly, but coincidentally not long after buying them (online, of course, seeing as I don't get out much) I did have to make several trips by foot. To the Co-op, the Post Office, the doctors, the hairdresser, that kind of thing. The irony was that I didn't even wear my new footwear for any of those; however, I did wear them when I was unexpectedly invited out for a drink the other evening.
I tottered and teetered my way down the road in them, unused to wearing such high wedges because you don't really need high wedges when you sit in a shed all day long. I met my friend, who's so tall she doesn't need heels but wears them anyway. She has legs as long as a Barbie doll's – not literally, obviously, as that would actually make her very short and somewhat deformed – but you know what I mean. Luckily she was able to help me across the road as I tried not to wobble nor break an ankle in the path of an oncoming pantechnicon, and we managed to get from one side to the other side in just under five minutes. Plus she was able to forewarn me about low beams in the pub, herself being skilled at ducking under them whilst carrying a pint of Guinness and a scampi dinner without losing any peas. Actually I'm such a short-arse compared to her that I still didn't have to duck, although I did so anyway as a gesture of solidarity and it probably looked rather sweet. It also reminded me of one of the first visual jokes I ever saw, which I replicate quickly for you here:
So I came home unscathed, and in fact so used to being elevated on these heels as the evening wore on that when I finally took them off it felt so different that I fell over, and that's the story I'm sticking to.
I'm looking forward to making more exciting trips now that the magic boots seem to be working, so in a few weeks I'm going down to London for this. Assuming I don't fall over in the path of a No. 44 or get hit by low flying signs (or ducks?!), then hopefully I'll be able to report back.