Wednesday, 31 July 2013

Onesie hatred

A PVC catsuit?  Fine. If I could slice a sliver (or maybe a wedge) of extraneous flab from my thighs I’d happily sport one – a nice shiny black one - for doing the food shopping at Tesco’s.  Not sure where I’d keep my purse but I guess I could stuff some notes down my modest cleavage, to be saucily unzipped at the checkout.  

I can imagine the scene now.  “Do you need help packing your bags?” the assistant asks sneeringly,  eyeing me up and down in my sleek all-in-one as she points her scanner pertinently at the Quorn chicken fillets on the conveyer belt, nestled between a bottle of baby oil and a cheeky little Merlot. 

“These are no faux meat micro-protein, I’ll have you know!” comes my retort, for mine are, of course, as natural as organic Honeydew melons, even if not of the same proportions.  Then I flick my lethal Clubcard out from my palm like a switchblade and, as if by magic, the wheels on my trolley align themselves and the assistant manages a smile.

And all because I’m wearing a fantasy PVC catsuit.  It  appears to have given me unhinged super powers and yet it’s only a figment of my imagination.  This is where I get to my point (but I hope you didn't mind the diversion).  I just wish I could say that the strange phenomenon that is popularly known as 'The Onesie' was only a figment too.  If only it didn't actually exist.  This is not like a catsuit or a wetsuit.  Apart from the fact that it looks like it should never be worn by anyone other than a baby, even the name sounds like baby-talk.  I’m mouthing it now with my face contorted into an exaggerated doe-eyed pout: Onesie.  Ooh! Ickle-wickle-fluffy-bunny onezhie!  

So, what the fuck are onesies all about?  Why are they catching on?  Please promise me you aren’t wearing one, you never have worn one and you never ever will.  If you need any more convincing, particularly if you are a man, please read this. (I urge you to read it anyway - it's just brilliant. I am loving The Daily Mash!)

23 comments:

  1. Never have - never will, ditto those Juicy Couture pink velour track suits and Shell Suits, no thank you!

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  2. Never have never will. Don't get it

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  3. Couldn't agree more - Emma peel would have looked much less alluring in an overgrown babygro. Im off to tesco in my wetsuit to buy strangely shaped fruit and try out lines from seaside postcards.....i may not return !

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    Replies
    1. I may see you in Tesco later then. At Fresh Produce? Or perhaps in one of the chiller cabinets :-)

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  4. The onesie has to be an elaborate prank or a bad nightmare brought on by too much cheese before bedtime....surely? This is the first I've heard of it - am I still asleep?

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    1. You'll wish you were still asleep and dreaming when you see a grown man in an orange onesie (with blue spots) - and a hood - waiting at the bus-stop....

      (Not that I have! But I've got my camera at the ready. It'll happen!)

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  5. My 18 year old nephew and all his friends wear them all the time, they look like a really amateur dramatic production of Winnie the Pooh who got locked out of the local church hall during a dress rehearsal... he says it's all about "chillaxing!"

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    1. "...a really amateur dramatic production of Winnie the Pooh who got locked out of the local church hall during a dress rehearsal... "

      Brilliant, Yve - brilliant!

      Delete
  6. Brilliantly written, as ever. Still grinning. My eldest son sent me this (verbatim) text a couple of months ago ;

    "Saw Mum today. She sends her love. She was wearing a Onesie. Discuss."

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Tindersticks.
      I love that text. The discussion has started!

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  7. I don't think I have any idea what you're talking about. Now that I've cottoned on to the fact that men are wearing them...I'm completely confused and a little concerned.

    Still, it's all worth it for the diversion...Man that tickled me.

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    1. So they haven't caught on over there yet? Oh dear, it's only a matter of time. Be prepared for the Onesie Invasion.... you have every reason to be confused and concerned.

      (And glad you enjoyed the side-trip!)

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    2. As I have chronicled over the years, there are many reasons to The South...both profound and lighthearted...and I think it's safe to add being Onsie-Proof to the list (especially on men...for the love of kittens!)

      I'm sure we'll eventually see them on t.v. like most new fangled things...street lights, shoes...:)

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    3. That's done it - I'm coming over.

      AND you have street lights and shoes too! ;-)

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  8. Just found one hanging up in my 19yo sons room - he says he wears it to go out.... I blame pokemon myself... Apparently there were people wearing them at a blink 182 gig he went to recently....they're just so not punk rock...

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    1. Oh NOOOO! I'm creasing up at the thought of Blink 182 playing to a hall full of onesies. It's quite an image.

      This discussion is confirming one of two things to me now.
      Either
      1) All of us here are officially the true arbiters of good taste
      or
      2) All of us here are officially old.

      Of course it HAS to be the first.

      (But yeah, I know, in retrospect the bum-flap was shit too...).


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  9. Hey, C!

    (Takes off onesie based on the look of Drooper from the Banana Splits).

    After that 'diversion' of yours I need to have a lie down. I feel faint!

    Onsies? Fucking ridiculous but somehow fitting in an age when so many adults have seemingly refused to grow up. Yes, they should be banned and then burned.

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    1. Ah, I was more of a Fleagle fan myself.... :-)

      I think you're onto something - it's arrested development in clothing form, isn't it? And I'm concerned at quite how difficult it might be to go to the loo when one is wearing one's onesie, which makes me wonder if there will soon be a market for Adult Pampers and Huggies....?

      Aarghh...

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    2. It's bound to happen; in fact, I'm sure there already are some outlets where you'll find adult nappies - not that I know where to find them! (honest).

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    3. I believe you....

      Hmm, maybe it'll develop even further and some bright spark will come up with the idea of *disposable* onesies. Ahem.... "use" them once, then throw them away. No need for underwear, no need for loo paper, just buy a packet of multi-purpose disposable onesies...

      Oh dear, that's gross.

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  10. I love my Onesie and my dummy and my rattle...is it not time for my feed?

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