Sunday, 11 May 2014

Smelly cheesy platform boots sniffing?


A random post deserves a random title. You know in Blogger stats where you can sometimes see what search words someone's entered which caused them to end up at your place? I have no idea why 'smelly cheesy platform boots sniffing' helped one particular visitor to find their way here today, or what they looked at when they did, but I suspect they were disappointed. I hope they found what they were searching for elsewhere, but I think at this point it would probably be best all round if we put it out of our minds. Unless it's you... in which case I suppose you found your way here quite easily this time.

Anyway, talking of what you're looking for (I still haven't found it but it sure as hell isn't going to be that song) a lovely, recently-divorced friend of mine has just joined a dating site. I think you know me well enough by now to appreciate that I would be lying if I said I'm not intrigued to know how she gets on and that I'll want as many juicy details as possible. She's had lots of responses already apparently and this weekend she was off to meet a deep sea diver, which sounds terribly exotic. I may have been happily married for the last 103 years but it doesn't stop me feeling sort of vicariously excited at the thought of being in such an unknown and potentially adventurous position. Oh, you know what I mean – the idea of it is just a reminder of being young and 'on the pull' again I suppose, wondering who's out there and what they're like and enjoying the attention. I'm sure the reality of it is a lot less glamorous.  It also made me think about how hard I'd find it to describe myself if I had to set up a dating site profile. I'm terribly fussy, you know, and I'm sure I would need a potential new mate to be all sorts of things that are really quite subtle and couldn't be described in a just a few key words. Like, I'd want someone to understand what it was like to live through punk (or something similar), and to get how it is to feel you're on the outside of the mainstream. They'd need to have a creative talent even if it was untapped or unrecognised, and to be tolerant of my fondness for small, creepy, ugly creatures (whilst that category would not necessarily include them).  There's art as well, of course, and music could definitely be a sticking point. I would need to write in a clause along the lines of, 'If you actively hate Eric Clapton's 'Wonderful Tonight' and you understand perfectly why it is so loathsome - even if you can't put that reason into words - then you're in with a shout.'  God, I hate that song with a passion. I had it going through my head this afternoon for some unfathomable reason; I had to reach out for a piece of chalk and drag it down a blackboard to ease my pain.

In my early teens I did once go out with a boy whom I knew could not possibly be right for me when he laughed at my copy of 'Do Anything You Wanna Do' (however sub-Springsteen it may sound now, it was perfection for me in '77) and said The Commodores were his favourite group. There really was no hope for us. We went to the pictures to see 'Sweeney!', which was fine, but then he took me to Macdonalds which wasn't so fine. And he talked about football. Looking back I have no idea what I saw in him apart, perhaps, from his motorbike, but more to the point I have no idea what he saw in me. Surely not my smelly, cheesy platform boots?

18 comments:

  1. Hhhmm, smelly cheesy platform boots? Perhaps that would be a good dating site "handle"... perhaps not! I am thinking I may venture back into the land of dating this Summer (I like to ease myself into these things, no sudden movements...) so perhaps I should keep my blog as a catalogue of my mishaps? Some of my former dating disasters have become the stuff of urban myth.

    The problem is definitely describing yourself, but frankly, if I knew what I was looking for in a man I would probably have found him already. I just need to line up all my exes (Ooops, that sounds like a Great Wall of China length queue but it's not that many, honest!) and say, well you have to be as great as these guys, but with a tantalising new twist... but that twist MUST NOT be (a) you area serial killer, (b) you think GSOH means quoting full Monty Python sketches ad nauseum or (c) you are Ray Mears. Beyond that I am open to persuasion.

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    1. :-)
      I think I could happily read about your dating exploits, Yve! I've seen a worrying number of episodes of 'Dinner Date' lately and have been appalled at some of the things people say (you've hit the nail on the head with your GSOH example), wear and do for such occasions. (Mind you I have no idea how I'd fare, either - I fear I'd make a complete arse of myself...) But I'd love to hear that the man of your dreams turns up out of the blue and that his twist is a very tantalising one! Good luck!

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  2. I would just like to publicly state that I love 'Do Anything...' and hate 'Wonerful Tonight' with all my heart. Having said that, my Prog Rock obsession may well take me out of any sane woman's running list. As for 'smelly cheesy platform boots sniffing' - how come they haven't found their way to my blog?

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    1. "my Prog Rock obsession may well take me out of any... list."

      We are never dating dood.

      Martha hates The Fall...and has a complicated and often contentious relationship with my paintings. What are you gonna do? If Aneta Corsaut and Glenda Jackson (both of whom I swore to marry when I was a kid) had a baby...she would look like Martha. She's smokin' hot...I'm helpless. Maybe it's just less complicated for men.

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    2. Erik - I expect that's a relief for both of us! Having said that, I do really love The Fall - so we'd stand a chance!

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    3. Just call me Cupid.

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    4. SB - I'd keep quiet about the prog rock obsession if I were you, at least until the third date.

      Erik - Martha is indeed smokin' hot. You're a lucky man.

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  3. 'Do Anything You Wanna Do'? It does have an anthemic quality to it, compared to earlier Hot Rods recordings, but it'll always do for me, as will most anything Mark E Smith turns his hand to. I'm with you all the way as regards 'Wonderful Tonight' though, appalling drivel.
    Music is a great barometer isn't it? I've never had a serious relationship with anyone who owned a Michael Bolton LP, for instance. That might well make me sound a tad shallow, but, nice though the other party might be, the reality is, it just ain't gonna work in the long term!
    (I'd never checked my Blogger stats until prompted to by your post today and I discovered that my fourth highest pageview country is Ukraine! What's all that about?)

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    1. Now you've got me at it. I've never checked that stat before- seems like Ukraine is my fifth biggest audience - one behind Russia! If Putin's checking me out I have some words of advice.

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    2. I believe that smelly cheesy platform boot sniffing is quite popular in Ukraine... Look out for those Search Words!

      TS - A Michael Bolton LP? Oh my god, that would be hard to get past. And I'm relieved to know that you're both with me on DAYWD and Wonderful Tonight. I wondered if it was just some kind of irrational phobia about the latter, but it's so not, is it?

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  4. Bots and spammers.

    I used to get regular visits from a Russian furniture store.

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    1. I haven't seen any Russian furniture stores but there have been one or two other websites I'd rather not know about...

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  5. What would I put on a dating site if I needed to... Hmm...

    About me - chubby (read overweight), middle aged, clapped out guy who is a non-drinker, music tastes from Joe Pass to Rancid pondering a lot in the prog rock section.

    Looking for - female, breathing... probably desperate - anyone with more boy and original or reformed CDs than other genres probably need not apply

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    1. You might want to tweak what you're looking for - a desperate Rancid fan doesn't sound too appealing :-)

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  6. Great post. I too have watched many episodes of Dinner Date ("Hi, I'm Monkey and I watch the crappiest telly") for the sheer horror of it all. Any prospective suitor would have to pass my shoe and cut of trouser test before stepping over any threshold. I guess that says a lot about me - and probably not in a good way!

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    1. Thanks, Monkey. Phew, glad it's not just me who gets reeled in by crappy telly... for the sheer horror of it all, as you so rightly say. (And how come they hardly ever see each other again anyway?! Just fame-hungry, I reckon)

      As for your shoe and cut of trouser thing: if that's as important to them as it is to you, then surely the chances are that you're on a similar wavelength. Sounds like a good test!

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  7. My lady in Red you are wonderful tonight! Now that is overload....Old Ma and me are honestly the opposite ends of the spectrum.....she is a cote d'azur girl I am council from Inverness....I like Dylan she like Disco....it goes on and on....we celebrate (if that is the word) 40 years marriage in July...Jesus! that is scary!

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    1. I guess you and Old Ma are proof of the attraction of opposites, it's lovely! Huge congrats to you both on 40 years... wow.

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