Friday, 21 February 2014

Snog, marry, avoid


I'm not quite sure how it happened, but I ended up saying that I would marry Boris Johnson. Actually, that's a lie. I do know exactly how it happened. The other day Mr SDS subjected me to a series of 'Snog, Marry, Avoid' scenarios, and he wasn't particularly generous with his choice of candidates. So when I said I'd marry Boris, it was merely because he was the best of a bad bunch, and I reckoned his bumbling babbling (and perhaps even a reminiscence or two about the Clash) would be marginally more fun than being shackled to the alternatives on offer who happened to be David Cameron and Ed Milliband. David Cameron got the snog - I mean, we wouldn't need to exchange political views, just a little bit of saliva.

In playing this game it's interesting how you find ways to justify your marriage choice above everything. I'm thinking: “Who would make me laugh? Who might I share some possible topics of interest with? Who could I bear to wander around Homebase with when choosing a new swing-bin?” Which is kind of what marriage boils down to in the end, I suppose, whilst the the snogging and avoiding become pretty incidental really (I could always keep eyes, lips and legs closed during the former, if required).

Anyway, I was shown no mercy, and the game continued. So now I have to snog, marry and avoid a number of characters, both real and fictional.

I'm snogging Jim Davidson, marrying Nick Hewer and avoiding Alan Sugar. It was obvious to me that I couldn't possibly marry or snog Alan, whilst – say what you like, but - I think I could tolerate a quickie with Jim. However, Nick would have to be the best for stimulating conversation; we could share our admiration for Susie Dent and bitch about Apprentice contestants, then we could play our own version of Countdown together on rainy Sunday afternoons, not bad.

Of Ricky Gervais' fictional characters I've ended up getting hitched to Andy Millman from Extras (because I think we'd understand each other's creative dilemmas), thus having a quick canoodle with David Brent from The Office (I feel a bit sorry for him) and avoiding the eponymous Derek (which made me feel really mean).

When I move to Coronation Street, bad boy Peter Barlow can get it on with me if he can find room in his busy womanising schedule, but I'll keep out the way of Owen Armstrong - although he would be good at putting up shelves and – this is the killer – I'll become the new Mrs Roy Cropper. I know, I know. But I reckoned he'd be faithful, kind and make me nice breakfasts.

Russell Brand, Liam Gallagher and Justin Bieber presented a dilemma. I wanted to snog and marry Russell and avoid the other two but them's the rules. You can probably guess my choices.

Never mind that they're gay: I'm marrying Graham Norton, whilst snogging Rylan Clark (cue clashing of teeth) and deftly avoiding Louis Spence who would drive me up the fucking wall.

And I was even given a crack at the women, thus marrying Emma Willis, kissing Pink (it just sounded good, and I think she might be a man anyway) and avoiding Emma Bunton.

I'll have to bat a few back, of course. Madonna, Cher or Mel B? Ann Widdecombe, Edwina Currie or Christine Hamilton? Valerie Singleton, Lesley Judd or Shep?  Hours of fun, and it beats that trip to Homebase.

POST SCRIPT:  2016....I hate Boris Johnson.  I could not nor would not have anything to do with him.

25 comments:

  1. Every time (and it's a lot) your erotic obsession with Ricky Gervais comes up...I want to walk out into traffic. You are married to musician that has been described as a terrorist...a bad boy, an outlaw artist. If he can't keep you distracted from the likes of David Brent...what chance do us regular walkin' around males have of keeping the attention of our wives?

    Damn you Ricky Gervais.

    :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In my defence, your honour, I must state that Ricky Gervais was not my personal choice in any shape or form (based on his behaviour in certain dreams he really should be neither married, snogged or avoided but instead charged for unauthorised access with intent...)
      As for he who has been described as a "guitar terrorist", that may be what he was to a VLR journo, but you have to remember that he still wanders around Homebase with me in pursuit of the perfect swing-bin. You have nothing to worry about; besides, your lovely wife is married to a Miro ;-)

      Delete
  2. Brilliant but I'm disappointed by the Russell Brand thing. Really? Still, I expect I'd go for a few oddballs.
    Are those latter suggestions for all comers? Well, here goes:

    Marry Cher because she must be ancient and worth a few bob.
    Snog Mel B as she's annoying but not bad looking.
    Avoid Madonna - like the plague.
    Oh this getting even harder...
    Snog Edwina - could just about keep.my dinner down.
    Avoid Christine - just awful.
    Marry Ann - surely we can have a loveliness marriage but maybe some good theological arguments over the toast.
    Now...I like Val and Lesley but could not live without Shep, so a celibate pairing with him it would have to be and I'd just toss a coin.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That should read loveless with Ann! Damned predictive text!

      Delete
    2. I do have a soft spot for Russell, it's true...I could borrow his jewellery.
      I'm most impressed by your reasonings... and Shep is coming out well in this particular survey, brilliant!

      Delete
  3. I'm blissfully unaware of some of these names, but to fully participate in the game with many of the people I do recognise, a fourth option would need to be added. Snog, marry, avoid or beat myself into unconsciousness with a large mallet. Actually, casting my eyes down the names once again, the self-inflicted mallet pummeling seems far and away the best option all round. Sorry, I'm not really entering into the spirit of it am I?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, no, sorry The Swede, not allowed. I too tried to duck out of many a choice, "Can't I just avoid them all? Would a peck on the cheek count? Can I get a quickie divorce?" but it wasn't allowed. I'm afraid you really do need to make your choice between Edwina, Ann and Christine just as I had to with Boris, David and Ed, that's just how it is.

      Delete
  4. The problem is that I do have a bit of a thing for Cher - but only up until about 1968, so could I have a time machine too ? Definitely avoid Madonna - at any point in her life- and go on then I reckon Mel B for a snog, which one is she again ?

    No problem marrying Lesley Judd, think of the fun we could have with empty washing up bottles, Id have to snog shep, Val I seem to remember isn't that into men.

    As for Ann, Christine and Edwina I suggest a further version of The Swedes variation, but I'm afraid I'd have to do something more final than self inflicted unconsciousness, I mean what if they were there when I came round...?

    So what about Strummer , Jones or Headon - you cant have all three !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now you're talking, Bel Mondo! Over to you C.

      Delete
    2. I know it's brutal, Bel Mondo, but I'm afraid no time machines allowed. You have to marry the Cher who can no longer crack a smile and who embarrassed herself in a Meatloaf video, or not at all.
      Lucky old Shep, though, a popular choice!

      As for Strummer, Jones or Headon, I'm just deeply disappointed you didn't include Simonon, as that would have been easy! I'm going to have to ponder that one, and I'll get back here later!

      Delete
    3. Ok, I'll marry Mick, because he's very smiley these days - I'll snog Strummer (I know what I said about no time machines but I'm assuming, as with Shep, that he is alive in this scenario) because he's quite sexy but I think he'd be hard work to live with, and I'll avoid Headon, although I know he's clean these days but, given that choice I wouldn't really go for a drummer. (And I'll just have to have an affair with Simonon)

      Delete
    4. Simonon left out very deliberately, it's those brooding eyes isn't it ! Could be worse, I could have included Terry Chimes.... And if I can't have a time machine then I'm afraid Cher goes on the avoid list - just have to snog Madonna (as long as she doesn't talk, or dance) and pretend I'm Britney Spears...

      Delete
    5. It *might* have something to do with the eyes, yes...

      I'm not sure that Britney's school uniform would fit you, but if it gets you out of snogging Cher...

      Delete
  5. Whenever I have been pinned down in that game (not literally, that's a different game entirely of course) I just think about who I would like to kiss because I figure a lot of marriages involve a fair amount of avoiding. We could have separate beds, separate bedroom, separate wings of the mansion if the guy/gal was rich enough.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Interesting... you see I was getting all hung up about the marriage but the way you put it is making me re-think!
      And now you've got me musing.... perhaps there should be a fourth option after all: Snog, marry, avoid, be pinned down by? ;-)

      Delete
    2. Now you are talking! ;o)

      Delete
    3. Hehe...although I'm not sure how we'd feel about being pinned down by any of the above candidates...(no, Boris, not now please)

      Delete
  6. Susie Dent? Now you're talking.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Indeed! I could turn for Susie Dent.

      Delete
    2. Can I be annoying and just say that as much as I have admiration for Ms. Dent, surely, Countdown is all about Rachel Riley? Obvious, I know, but I'm a big fan.

      Delete
    3. You could never be annoying!
      But I think my Russell Brand is to you what your Rachel Riley is to me! I much prefer Ms Dent, she manages to have that irrestible flair for being demurely dirty (what are we like?)
      I'd like them both at the wedding though - I'm sure Nick would too, bridesmaids perhaps.

      Delete
  7. Tina-cute.boring,over tanned,Eccles needs more exposure but I.m in love, Anna, bores my arse off.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha, we don't see much of Eccles, do we?! I was going to suggest Gloria, Gail or Mary!

      Delete
  8. I've just lost a good half hour scrolling through your back pages- there is some very entertaining and well written stuff here and I 'm making mental notes to come back and read properly.

    For the record- I'd marry Emma Willis, snog Pink (I suppose) and avoid Emma Bunton. The three politicians I can't even contemplate at the moment- t's not long since I've eaten. And the missing Paul Simonon is surely the one everyone would go for, male or female.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh thank you, Swiss Adam - and thanks too for dropping by. Glad you've enjoyed a look around and I appreciate you saying that (I felt the same on visiting Bagging Area).

      You do right not to even contemplate the politicians; I did feel a little queasy about the ones on offer to me too...

      Delete

Please come in, the door is open

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...