I am not human

There isn't that much in life that really irks me - a few odd little things such as washing up saucepans, women with high squeaky voices (step forward Sharon Osbourne / Yoko Ono) and trying to get the last bit of margarine out of the tub. Just lately I've added something else to the list: this disturbing trend for the anthropomorphism of inanimate objects in labelling.

I feel patronised. I'm not a child, you don't need to use baby talk when you speak to me, and likewise I don't need my Savoy Cabbage to personally instruct me how to try it or explain how to keep it (or ought that to be him/her?) in the fridge.

I'm sure the postman feels the same about this package...

It's the use of "I" and "me" that's really bugging me.  It was fine in the fantasy context of  'Alice In Wonderland', and 'Eat Me' dates have been using it as a quirky little brand name for decades. However I fear this tendency to use the first person when it's not a person at all is getting more widespread; it's just another part of the whole dumbing down process, isn't it?

I mean, tell us what to do with things and where they fit by all means, but please don't pretend you're a speaking cabbage or a literate box. Next you'll be stamping little smiley faces on grapes and god knows what directions you'll put on the loo paper rolls.

Some bright spark will then start attaching helpful voice recordings to products like our morning cereal. “I'm lovely with milk poured over me, just don't let me get soggy!” we'll be told by Sharon Osbourne, disguised as a cornflake, in her most irritating falsetto. If that ever happens I may just have to reach for the Domestos to wantonly ignore Yoko's “Don't drink me!” plea.