Tuesday 2 July 2019

Edge

This kind of edge


Not this

56 years ago today in an East End hospital my mum was having a very hard time.  She was trying to give birth to a baby which had somehow got itself stuck the wrong way round and was determined to come out feet first – a breech birth.  At least that’s what she always gave as the reason for any subsequent occasion when I behaved awkwardly and uncooperatively and, to be honest, there were many.    I too am happy to blame it on the fact that I couldn’t even enter the world the right way up - I think it sort of set a precedent.

So I find myself reflecting on this today, the anniversary of my upside down arrival on the planet, because I think I’m having a teensy weensy bit of an existential crisis.  Nothing serious, don't worry. Just one of those phases when you find yourself thinking and then having aBOOF!moment – like a sudden metaphorical punch in the gut – when you consider just  how much time you’ve actually been alive and what the future might hold.  Oh shit.  I don't mean the nursing homes or the tablets - let's not even go there - I mean the damping down of our personal fires.   It feels like one of those cinematic effects commonly used in horror films, when the camera draws back from its subject in a series of abrupt, increasingly distant moves, creating a sense of growing unease, of disconnection with the scenery.  Not that I’m going to descend into the depths of despair about it.  Oh no - instead I just feel my inner awkward, rebellious spirit getting particularly fidgety, wanting to kick against conformity and middle aged blandness more than ever.  I’m feeling a need to keep my edges sharpened; I fear they’ve been getting a little too blunt lately, like I've let things rust, or start to atrophy. (Mixed metaphors must also be a symptom.)  Anyway, I never did feel comfortable fitting neatly into the mainstream, so why start now?

Maybe I’ve just seen too many clichéd adverts (for 'seniors') featuring insipid people discussing their prize roses and pension plans as if that's all life has ever been about.  Overheard too many twee conversations in the supermarket about golf and jacuzzis.  Been surrounded by too many Middle Englanders with their misplaced pride and their nasty, petty prejudices, and read about too many opinionated arseholes with closed minds and tight lipped, mean-spirited ways.  I witnessed a trumped-up older man - a 'jobsworth' type - having a go at a younger man on the Tube as I made my way back from London on Friday (after a lovely day) and I felt ashamed to be closer to him in age than the subject of his ire.  Okay, so his 'fire' hadn't been damped down, but his attitude was so narrow, his sense of entitlement obnoxious. By contrast I then spent the longer part of my journey home sat with five great, bright young people...the difference pulled me up short.  After all, being a kind, decent person and keeping your edge are not mutually exclusive.

So, with the exception of good trousers, I'm just not ready for the straight and narrow, and the passing of another year has brought some things into sharp relief.  I reckon it's probably a good thing.  (Perhaps it'll help me blog more?)

Other than all that, though, I’m having a lovely birthday... :-)

Jarvis Cocker's new single has been my earworm of the week...it seems oddly apt.

22 comments:

  1. Have a good one C
    Glad t osee you are not going down without a fight!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you CC - and definitely not!

      Delete
  2. Ah C - Happy Birthday and yes as CC says, the fighting spirit is definitely still there. We can get older but we don't have to get old. You've mentioned those telly adverts before and they punctuate even the news channels, all day long. People sitting in luxurious homes fretting about how they'll pay for their funerals and all those blinking parsnips that the over 50s seem to spend their time growing! I have a wonderful young person in DD and we love doing stuff with her and her friends - If anyone badmouths young people in general they have me to contend with.

    Have a great rest of the day and yes, a very apt song.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Alyson, knew you'd understand. The age thing is all in the mind really, isn't it? I just can't bracket myself with those awful advert examples and it just makes me want to go the complete opposite way! I might elaborate on my contrasting journey experiences in another post - trying to get myself to write more again in an effort to keep my mind sharp :-)

      Delete
  3. Keep at it C. And happy birthday.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Happy Birthday! Keep on keeping on x

    ReplyDelete
  5. All the best on your birthday, C. I doubt very much that you're someone who'd ever permit her "personal fires" to be extinguished!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Marie, appreciate that. I'm now very mellow after half a bottle of Prosecco, but hopefully not enough to quell the fire...

      Delete
  6. A tremendously inspiring read and a great tune C. I hope you had an utterly magnificent birthday.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks TS - very glad if it inspired in any way too.
      I'm loving the tune, hearing it a lot on R6 as I'm working long hours at the mo. Including on my birthday
      - but still, at least it felt like I'd earned my fizzy wine by the evening....

      Delete
  7. Keep on keepin' on, C, and happy birthday.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Cheers Martin. And same to you. Not the birthday bit, obviously.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Belated birthday greetings, C.

    If it's any consolation, my mum (who is 91) tells me frequently that she doesn't feel 91 on the inside. I know the outside may fall to wrack and ruin, but I take heart in that.

    Keep chasing the butterflies...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Rol - and to your mum too for her 91st, she sounds great.

      Happy to keep chasing those butterflies, in the nicest possible way of course, no nets ;-)

      Delete
  10. Thank you Yve. Love your words here xxx You're so right - we do need to embrace it, we can't change it - I'm fine with that (so far) - wouldn't want anything different as such. Just can't bear the stereotyping that starts to seem more obvious and more patronising for each year I tick off, so I have to hold onto the girl inside me and not let her get overwhelmed by others' expectations!
    I'm all in favour of the softening that comes with wisdom and experience...as long as we don't get too mentally squidgy!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh yes please save us from the plastic freakdom! Smacks of desperation and such an unrealistic reliance on looks rather than what's inside... worries me how the world is going and its obsession with youthful appearance but I'm more than happy to not be a part of all that. Just still feel the need to kick against too much cosy twee bland conformity. Interesting old ruins are far more beautiful, intriguing and attractive than generic apartment blocks any day...
    I think Nicole (and her ilk) must be 90% aspic.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Belated Happy Birthday. I’m sure you won’t descend into middle aged blandness, from reading your blog you are a creative rebel at heart! Closed-minded people are the worst, I’d far rather meet those who have a life-long curiosity.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Many thanks Chris - and yes, totally agree about those closed minds.

      Delete
  13. Belated birthday greetings! Keep sharpening that edge. I sometimes think that a gang of us should get together and march on SAGA to tell them where they can stick their offers of insurance cover and such like. Not ready for all that bollocks!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks RR and hi! Definitely with you on the plan for marching on SAGA (Sad Ageing Gits Association...?)

      Delete

Please come in, the door is open

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...