Friday, 27 March 2015

What we get up to when we're not there

(before the new hairstyle)

Rylan Clark has grown his hair long and dyed it a rather fetching shade of aubergine. Or is it burgundy? I don't know but it's very shiny and sleek; it looks like nylon. Or doll's hair. Or perhaps doll's hair IS nylon. Anyway, I only know this because I met him the other day when I went to some launch event thingy at a local university. He was kind enough to escort me from Reception across the grounds to the main hall and I was struck by how genial he was and wonderfully easy to talk to. It was like we'd known each other for years. We were getting along so swimmingly that he put his arm around me as we walked and I can still recall the soft feel of the loose-knit cream jumper he was wearing. His arms were so long that his left one looped right around then up under my armpit and at one point he... well... I suppose, had it been anyone else, like a straight man doing it without my permission, I might have used the term, “touched me up” or maybe “copped a feel”. And it would've been a very different scenario. But somehow, it just wasn't like that. It was a kind of comforting and chummy “cupping” instead. Dare I say, enjoyable?

Nothing particularly memorable happened at the venue after that but I arrived home in the afternoon and noticed from the kitchen window that Mr SDS was outside, hanging up the washing. For some reason, he wasn't using the normal line; instead he'd erected one of those rotary airers. I didn't think we had room for one at the bottom of the garden but I was obviously mistaken. I walked down to greet him and was somewhat confounded to see that, having pegged out all the pillowcases, he was now hanging up the suet cakes for the birds. There must have been about twenty of these at least, all suspended from the cords on the airer itself, so that they actually hung right against the clean laundry.  Only it was, of course, now no longer clean - instead every item was encrusted with hundreds of little spatters of white fat. One half of me was delighted that he should be putting out the bird food (that's usually my domain) – and so much of it too! - but the other half was appalled at his choice of where to place it.   Very unlike him. “What are you doing?!” I called out, my surprise matched only by my annoyance. I never got to hear his reply. I opened my eyes slowly and the light filtered in, accompanied by sounds too, the sounds of the morning... a distant song thrush, tyres on the road, the whirring of the central heating pump as it stirred into life. I lay there and reminisced. Rylan Clark copping a feel!

I know nobody ever really wants to hear or read about someone else's weird dreams (unless they're in them, so Rylan may be interested) but in the absence of anything meaningful or riveting to say here at the moment, I'm afraid that's what you have.

21 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Hehe, I'm a bit of a Rylan fan to be honest, so this really could be a case of "in your dreams" (well, mine anyway) ;-)

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  2. It's really unsettling when someone we have never consciously given a thought to, turns up in our dreams. I think there should be a guest list and some kind of Circadian Doormen to stop exactly that sort of thing.

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    1. It's a odd one isn't it... although now I think more about this dream I remember I've had the lovely Rylan before! What's going on there, I wonder? I'm hardly his type...
      'Circadian Doormen' is a brilliant concept (and should also be a band name). Knowing the way dreams go though they'd probably take advantage of their position of power and break out the baby oil.

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  3. Thankfully there was no "musical" accompaniment or the dream could very quickly have become a nightmare!

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    1. That's a very good point, CC! Singing is not his forte...

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  4. C,
    I don't know anything about Rylan, but he's certainly got a perfect set of teeth! We must all have similar dreams - I had one a few weeks ago, but it involved "Alfie" of Eastenders fame!!

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    1. Our Rylan's CV reads terribly: Essex boy X Factor contestant and Celebrity Big Brother winner... it doesn't sound so good I know, but I would defend him against any criticism... oh, apart from his teeth which are indeed the butt of many a joke.
      Alfie of Eastenders? That made me smile!

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  5. Circadian doormen... another one from them later in session but first here's The Fall...
    Swiss Adam

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    1. :-) I thought I knew the name... yes, must've heard them on Peel!

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  6. Your dreams, as reported, are always so calm. If there weren't the occasional grotesque flickers ...I'd be more concerned about anxious and hectic nature of my own dreams.

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    1. Don't worry, Erik, it's only the daft ones I share here, they're not all calm by any means. I have the most horrific ones about things I can't even begin to imagine consciously... and recurring stress dreams (in my case about heights and depths) as I suspect we all do. I reckon sometimes our most difficult, anxious dreams put us through the things that we would hopefully never have to witness or cope with in real life... as if to throw us all the worst stuff unconsciously so that reality can never be quite as bad.

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  7. Had me going there for a moment as I imagined a real-life encounter with Rylan. Couldn't quite imagine what he was doing at the university, though. Bit forward, isn't he? Haha! Dreams are always a welcome read. So, we have Rylan, rotary washing lines and bird food. What does all this mean, Dr. Freud?

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    1. Well I suppose at least if some dreams have a little entertainment value it's ok to write about them! As for the subject matter, I think it means my mind is turning into a big yellow skip which is gradually filling up with a variety of random things which are neither use nor ornament...

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  8. I left a comment on the post a few days ago, at least I think I did. I must have done, as I'm getting email updates everytime an new comment is left. But mine isn't here now. Perhaps it was a dream!
    Anyway I just came back to add my vote for Yve's Circadian Doormen - a brilliant band name. Someone should start a list of these.

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    1. Oh, that's weird, TS - I certainly never saw a comment from you this time and haven't had any go into Spam, so perhaps the whole scenario was indeed a dream. Or perhaps this one is? "Nothing is real"!

      Circadian Doormen - let's get them on the gig circuit - and yes I like the idea of the list, I'll write that one under Liquid Biscuit!

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  9. I have very few stress dreams since I have been sleeping with a couple of dogs, I think because they start licking me if I seem to be distressed and wake me up! I'd love to know what they dream about, from their movements and noises they obviously get up to all sorts of adventures.

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    1. Ah that sounds like a sweet way to avoid the stress dreams, although I don't think I could sleep with anything quite so hairy!
      I sometimes wonder too about animals' dreams. I used to see my cat twitching and chattering merrily away in her sleep, bless her!

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  10. 'Copping a feel' ....I love it, but it does sound so sleazy 'tho.....dreams never end!

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    1. I don't know if anyone uses that phrase any more... I'm probably showing my age!

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