Monday, 23 September 2013

It's got legs

What a life for a Daddy Longlegs.  Once it's pupated from the brilliantly named leatherjacket, it emerges from the underground to fly weakly and drunkenly around for a short while, existing solely to mate.  This stage of its life is all about sex, sex, sex - some don't even bother to eat.   And then it dies.  During its brief time as an adult it risks life and, more specifically, limb(s), if it floats into an unwelcoming house and gets fried on a light bulb, or strays into a playground where evil children lie in wait to amputate those fragile legs.

Well, I like them, they're cute.

Here's an old pic from my sketchbook archive.  The original caption was, "Yes, she's gorgeous - legs right up to her neck!"  A slightly less tasteful alternative was, "Let's get legless!"  and others included, "You're pulling my leg" plus "I'm a leg man myself".  The list could go on, I'm sure. 



Oh you sexy thing

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

Mental flossing

I was at the dentist yesterday and found myself reflecting on what a different experience it is now to that of forty years ago. Society's ever-increasing obsession with the 'perfect' appearance generally troubles me, but at least it's done our mouths a favour. In the pursuit of a smile so bright white it could compete with car headlights in a 'Dazzle the Rabbits' competition, and jaws so immaculately regular you could name a well-known Blondie album after them (and I don't mean Eat To The Beat), people are taking more care of their choppers. (Phew, that was a long sentence...) It's even happening here where we are famed, in the most uncomplimentary way, for our 'English Teeth'.  Dental clinics have become dental 'emporiums' and the one I go to now has a name that sounds more like a cocktail lounge than anything remotely medical.

As a typical child growing up in '70s Britain, an essential part of my daily diet was sugar, and it was usually taken two to three times a week in concentrated Spangles, Milky Way and Sherbet Pip form. It provided just the right amount of hyperactivity for important pursuits like French Skipping, but my teeth fared less well and by the time I was twelve my open mouth boasted an impressive display of silvery amalgam fillings. Then, just when I was at my most self-conscious, I had to wear two dental braces - simultaneously.  I could set off metal detectors three streets away with ease, but speaking and eating required supreme effort.

The local dental surgery was a familiar place for all the wrong reasons, so my mum used to make each ordeal a little more bearable by promising a small present on the way home. Once she'd wiped the dribble from my chin, she'd take me down to my favourite shop, Pearman & Blacker, where the delights on its many racks and displays let me temporarily forget the fuzzy sensation in my cheek or an aching jaw. No, it wasn't a sweet shop; that would have just been in bad taste. It was a bookshop.  That smell of paper-and-printing-ink overrode the essence of antiseptic in my nostrils, the crisp covers promised magic carpet rides to lands where dentists didn't exist.

I have mercury fillings, corrective braces, extractions, anaesthetics and injections to thank for the shelves in my childhood bedroom becoming filled with Puffins and other paperbacks. Mrs Pepperpot, Five Children and It, the Moomins, Spike Milligan's Milliganimals, the Children of Green Knowe and even the Wombles all came into my life via my teeth. Fortunately those frequent trips to the dentist mean they are stronger and straighter now, but I'm very glad the legacy of a '70s childhood was so much more than just the tooth decay.


Saturday, 14 September 2013

All that glitters...

Should I have felt ashamed? Or, even worse: afraid? Afraid that at any moment the police would knock on the door and demand to search the premises, perhaps even to seize my possessions? And all because I couldn't resist listening to something that I'll never again hear on the radio. Regardless of what anybody actually thinks of the song itself it's just not going to get airplay... because once someone has done something despicable, their creative output has to be eradicated from all forms of public exposure too.

It's not that 'I Didn't Know I Loved You ('Til I Saw You Rock'n'Roll)' was ever a favourite of mine, but it was a song that my nine-year old self did rather like. When it turned up on a CD in our local charity shop, I had the desire to hear it again. That stomping glam rock rhythm had me bouncing around in my chair and singing along. Mr SDS cheerfully enlightened me to the fact that when he was at school the lyrics had been memorably changed to, “I didn't know I loved you 'til I saw your sausage roll” as well as the somewhat more unsavoury but typically puerile version, “hairy hole”. Ahem. But I think everybody I knew liked a little bit of Gary Glitter back in the day. I recall walking down the road with my school-friends singing 'I Love You Love' in unison, twirling our satchels theatrically, then collapsing into giggles, the kind that made our chests ache and our eyes stream. It was all so innocent, or so we thought. I certainly never fancied GG, nor (thankfully) did I want him as a Fantasy Dad, but he could sing a good, catchy, rebel-rousing tune and had a unique stage presence that was hard to ignore.

I enjoyed the song yesterday. It was just a song. However, there was something inside me that made me feel I shouldn't be listening to it. Was it like some kind of guilt by association? Was it the fear that if the neighbours were to hear Mr Gadd's distinctive vocals through our wafer-thin walls, they would assume terrible things about us too? Is that why it will never be included in a Top of the Pops repeat or any other TV broadcast in which it might have featured? Although, in a way, not to include it is a bit like trying to re-write history. Acknowledging its existence isn't the same as condoning his behaviour....but it seems that way somehow. There is also the argument that a convicted criminal shouldn't be entitled to earn further royalties, and that a radio station could lose revenue from advertisers if it played something that could be considered offensive. So is it just easier to pretend it didn't exist than to have to explain or justify its inclusion?

Thinking about this reminded me of a blog post I read a while back (unfortunately I can't remember where) in which the writer expressed his personal dilemma at having loved a particular band's music for years only to later discover that they supported far right politics. It didn't stop him liking the songs he'd always liked but it made him feel differently disposed towards them as a whole. His taste in music was separate from his taste in politics, but they all get tangled up together in this business, don't they? I guess the same could be said about attitudes to many people in the public eye with a creative output – authors, artists, comedians, actors – if we discover that they're wife-beaters or racists or anything else that we're repelled by, how do we then feel about the things they made, played or did that we originally liked for very different reasons? Our judgements feel tarnished, our integrity in doubt, yet they weren't made or based on the same grounds. I think there's an instinctive and self-protective need to disconnect ourselves completely, even though it is actually a denial of our intrinsic, personal taste in one relatively small aspect of life.

Anyway, I'm not a secret Gary Glitter fan. I just wanted to be able to say that I listened to a song for nostalgic reasons and that I was honest enough with myself to admit that I still liked it for what it was. I was also honest enough with myself to admit that I didn't know if I 'should' (and I hate that word 'should'!)  So you'll understand why I've chosen not to include it here but, if you find you just can't help singing it in your head now, I recommend trying the 'sausage roll' lyric.

Monday, 9 September 2013

What's in the nest box?


Safe, environmentally friendly and cosy accommodation
with comfortable feather bed, central heating and regular room service.
Quiet location with garden view; babies very welcome.
Available Spring and Summer.

Isn't it beautiful?


Trailer Bride: Hope Is A Thing With Feathers



Friday, 6 September 2013

Expletives not deleted

You're not easily offended, are you, right?  So you won't mind me posting this pic of a vinyl sticker that a kind friend gave to us a while back.  (I know, other people get flowers and chocolates...)

(Notice the 'not suitable for children under 3 years'...)

We laughed and said, "Thank you very much", then put it in the drawer, along with all the other random things that we 'might use one day'.  Although, this was one thing that I hoped we wouldn't need to.  I mean, where would you stick such a thing?

So... on Tuesday I was checking my bank statement and discovered that someone had stolen money from my account.  Five times - in one day.  I've no idea quite how - had they hacked into my card details online? - have I been caught out at a dodgy cashpoint? - it's still a mystery.  Not the end of the world but a pain in the arse having to make the necessary phone calls, fill out fraud/crime forms, cancel my card and wait for a new one.  I know it's not personal but it still feels like a form of violation.  I've been physically burgled before (like many people, I'm sure), which feels a lot more traumatic - but still there is something about the calculated sophistication of this type of theft which is troubling.  And who else are they doing it to?  Perhaps someone who is already vulnerable, stressed or struggling? Bastards!  

At least now I know exactly where I could stick that sticker.

(I'm still limping on with my old computer, squeezing every last drop from it while I wait to get a new one... creak, creak, whirr, whirr...)



Wednesday, 4 September 2013

Renewal

This beautiful, mellow Summer yawns on in the manner of a sleepy cat, metaphorical paws outstretched. Spider threads hang like washing lines across the garden path, the dandelion seeds drift on the breeze; I still catch them and make wishes.   But I find this time of year a little poignant because I know it’s nearing its end.  The once vibrant colours are looking tired and sun-bleached now and the daylight makes its exit so much earlier, as if it needs more sleep to renew itself (much like I do).  Plus I keep finding dead things.  Dead bumblebees mostly, which are lovely to pick up because at least you can stroke their little furry backs without fear of reprisal.  Lately too I’ve found masses of detached butterfly wings; it seemed a bit of a mystery as to why there were so many, until I witnessed the quite remarkable spectacle of a wasp catching a small tortoiseshell, turning it over whilst pinning it to the ground and then flying off, somewhat heavily, with its prey.  I think the wasps are having a feast this year, what with the caterpillars’n’all.  

And from the sublime to the ridiculous: much like Summer, my faithful desktop PC, which I use for everything, is knackered and close to the end too.  I’ve just had a clear-out and found the receipt for it (from 2006!) which, by complete coincidence, is dated 4th September.  Given the cynical but credible notion of built-in obsolescence I think it’s done pretty well to last this long but it really is arthritic now, limping and wheezing its way through every task, its fan whirring in protest when I push it to work a little harder, so I’m on the search for a new one.  I might be quiet on the blogging front for a short time while I get myself organised.  Just making a wish on a dandelion seed won’t get it sorted….

Emiliana Torrini: Unemployed in Summertime
Just because it's such a perfect Summer song.

Friday, 30 August 2013

Fantasy Dads

I generally avoid highly topical subjects on here because they’re already getting overkill coverage elsewhere, but a revelation in the news this week has caused me to totally rethink something.  I’m going to have to amend my ‘Fantasy Dads’ list.

I must make it clear that there isn’t anything awful about my real dad; he’s a good-hearted man and really rather quaint, it’s just that he lives on another planet.  To be honest, I’ve come to think over recent years that he actually has a mild degree of Asperger’s Syndrome (he's that 'mathematical genius who couldn't boil an egg' type) so it’s not his fault that he forgets my birthday and moved house without passing on his ‘phone number.  I’ve even had reason to question if he really is my biological father – but that’s another story for another time.  Maybe.

Anyway, without wishing to do him too much of a disservice, his lack of involvement in my life left a void and it had to be filled.... with fantasy dads.  Dads who’d inspire, offer words of wisdom, be creative, make me laugh and perhaps lend me £10k now and then.  And I was quite happy with my list of perceived paternal greatness, which has remained unchanged for some years. Here’s how it goes, in no particular order:

Michael Palin
David Attenborough
Billy Connolly
Tony Hart

and then there was….

...a certain Australian entertainer, artist and animal lover. 


Oh shit.




Ron Wood: old enough to be my dad ;-)

Monday, 26 August 2013

Number 2

Built in 1967, it was a classic example of a well-designed house from that era.  Spacious, with wide, large-paned windows, it had frosted glass in the front door which was sheltered outside by an open flat-roofed porch.  There were glazed interior doors downstairs, the kitchen was big and square, and the upstairs landing so broad that it could almost have been a room in itself.

I was only three (and a vital half) when we moved in, but some memories of the first few days there remain intact:  the shock discovery of a hole in the corner of my bedroom floor which had to be fixed by the builders before the carpet could go down, and Mimi’s anxiety at being in a strange place for the first time.  Poor thing shat in a kitchen cupboard, but at least she didn’t use the hole in my bedroom floor. Mimi was the cat, by the way.

Soon after we moved in my mum put her design stamp on the place:  parquet flooring under three matching squirly-patterned rugs in vivid shades of green and yellow, the cylindrical linen lampshades on sculpted clay bases, and her own framed oil painting of a sunflower on the wall opposite a print of Picasso's Blue Nude.


The living room curtains were an exotic shiny gold, and the kitchen curtains - I’d have those kitchen curtains now if I could.  They were wonderfully 1960s, with scratchy black line illustrations of domestic objects – kettles and teapots and vases, I think – against a textured, copper colour background.  Gorgeous.  On every flat surface downstairs there were ceramics, wood-carvings, sculptures and pot plants, and the focal point in the corner was a Monstera that was taller than my dad.  Mind you, he was only three foot eight.  (No, no!  He was nearly six foot.)

There was a rather exciting cupboard under the stairs.  Well, it was exciting when I hid in it – horrendously scary when I accidentally got shut in it.   It smelt of polish, and at various times over the years it housed a stringless violin, a cricket bat and some badminton racquets, the powder-blue upright vacuum cleaner, my mum’s honey coloured camel-hair coat, a dusty bottle of Cointreau (no idea why) which I'd sometimes go in the cupboard to secretly open and sniff, my sister’s long black PVC platform boots, and my navy blue anorak with its narrow decorative trim.  We had a groovy coat rack on the inside of the cupboard door (which I took with me when I moved out, having transformed the spheres into eyeballs with my paintbrush.)  I think you can buy repro ones now.



I can picture the wallpaper in my bedroom, with its repeated motif of large bright poppies, primroses and violets.  They were comforting, familiar images, like floral guardians, watching over me kindly as I looked up at them when I was ill, which as a child I frequently seemed to be.  Later my pride and joy on that wall was a big colourful map of the world.  Later still it was a poster of Donny Osmond.  And then a Paul Simonon centrefold. And then a wonderful Nosferatu film poster, a picture of Lydia Lunch and an article on Bauhaus from the NME, etc. You get the idea.  The only permanent adornments to that wall were the hard, dry remains of the Blutac.

The one problem with that room was the carpet.  My parents had thriftily decided to re-use some from the old house; it was a dark shade of red, with harsh black linear patterns.  I suppose mum thought it picked out the scarlet of the poppies on the wallpaper but  I hated the colour.  I also had a – fairly understandable – phobia about decapitation after I’d seen something on the telly about Henry VIII and the Elizabethan penchant for beheading, and I started having terrible nightmares about heads being chopped off, which somehow linked themselves to the dark claret carpet.  There was no doubt in my mind that it was red from the blood, the blood from the headless bodies.  If I could have changed one thing it would have been that, erm, bloody carpet.   

In my teens I did get the chance to change it and opted unwisely, in that typical folly-of-youth way, for a pale cream one,which didn’t fare too well under the frequent spillage of green nail varnish, various lurid hues of eye shadow, hot cigarette ash and crisps.  At least my make-up stains didn’t show up quite so much on the bathroom floor which, by the seventies, had been changed from grey lino to purple carpet tiles.  These went well with the dark purple wall, but not so tastefully with the pink suite.  At the same time, my sister painted her bedroom in contrasting shades of lime green and chocolate brown, which set off her Ché Guevara and Black Sabbath posters beautifully.  And mum hired Mr Dunstan to decorate all the downstairs walls in a fetching shade of mustard.  I don’t think there was any such thing as subtlety in the seventies.

I’m always dreaming about that house, so vivid is its feel, so deeply entrenched in my subconscious;  but I was set off on today’s particular mental visit when I heard about a tip from a creative writing course for exercising your mind and visualisation technique.  The suggestion was to think back to a house where you spent a lot of time in your childhood, and slowly imagine you’re entering the front door and going around all the rooms, taking in all the details.  It’s amazing what it unearths - I recommend it! And I so want those kitchen curtains, I just never appreciated them at the time.
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